My mama said life would be so hard

Growin up days as a black girl scarred

In so many ways though we've come so far

They just know the name they don't know the pain

So please hold your heads up high

Don't be ashamed of yourself know I

Will carry it forth til the day I die

They just know the name they don't know the pain black girl

-Black Girl Pain

i am a black woman. a black girl. i don't say that often enough. i drown myself in the work of the api community. i feel like i am abandoning one of my communities for the other. at first i thought it was because i was exploring my japanese side. i think it was partially. but i think part of me is trying to escape the black girl pain. bgp. it's the look you get when people find out your black. or the tone of their voice when they reply "oh" when you tell them. like when someone who doesn't "seem" queer tells you they are. then that feeling follows. that shame. then i feel ashamed for feeling that black girl shame. but what can you expect when society constantly tells you that you have no worth. in general the black community is frowned upon by the "greater" society. now add being a woman to that. i grew up with positive images of white woman. and negative images of woman of color...particularly black woman. loud. unattractive. unintelligent. unwanted. even by their male counterparts. everywhere i turn i see black men lusting after white woman. i met a girl who was half black and half mexican but she hated her black side so much that she wouldn't even acknowledge that side of her. all these messages, overt and subliminal, have created this intense internalized self-loathing that i carry. it weighs me down. it didn't help that at home my family insulted me about my weight (which to this day i am still extremely sensitive about) and the fact that i have brown skin. being called a black girl was used as an insult back home. it still happens. but not just to me. little kids will make fun of other children by calling them black. blackie. darker than night. coon. nigger. it hurts me so much just to think about it. and one would think that today an almost grown woman would be past all of this identity shit. i know i shouldn't let society or anyone for that matter dictate my self worth. but think about it. living almost 23 years with images, ideas, thoughts, people directly and indirectly telling you that you are worth less than the dirt you walk on. it's fucking hard to get out of that mentality. it's like being brainwashed since birth. so i came into ucla and retreated into my japanese identity. after i joined nsu prominent figure within the black community on campus asked me why i didn't join asu. i couldn't answer that question. but not because i didn't know the answer....

and now so deeply hidden in the api community i feel like if i try to be active within the black community they wouldn't take me. even if i could go back i wouldn't be sure how to be. does that make sense? how to act. what to say.  what to do to show them that i belong there. i am their sister. a girl who knows pain. who knows the sting of racism like a hard slap to the face. that i've seen my family humilated... for the sole reason that the color of their skin is wrong.

but trying to be accepted isn't limited to just the black community. i feel like i am constantly trying to prove that i am apart of the api community. every single day. i feel like people look at me with disdain...like what the hell am i doing here cause i'm not really asian i'm just a black girl. or any good part of me is attributed to me being part asian. a friend once said to me that i was smart and a good-worker....she said that it must be my asian side.   i get stupid (and hurtful) comments like that all of the time...and i never get used to it. and if you say or think you aren't racist. you're wrong. i've encountered some of the most socially-conscious people and i see their internalized racism first-hand. their reaction to me. the way people say things or act. yes- even those of you whom i work and play closely with. we all have racial bias even if we don't realize it. i know you don't mean it but you have to own up to it and admit there is a problem before you can try to solve it. that's why i am writing this. i'm sick of looking in the mirror and hating what i see. big lips. dark skin. almond eyes. thick body. kinky hair. tell me, would you date a black girl? would you take her home to meet your family? where are the positive images of black woman? woman  of color?

we'll find some....

this doesn't even scratch the surface of what i think about....what i live every single day. maybe one day i'll find the words to really express what going on inside of this mixed girl's head....

yes another one. at woon's birthday party. pretty chill night. well let me tell you.... i think we had chemistry. key words = i think. why? well i was immediately attracted to him...for some strange reason. so we're all sitting down playing taboo. some how (:p) we end up sitting next to each other in the middle of the game (please don't ask me how). so we have a fair amount of contact. me checking him when it's his turn. he checking me when it's my turn. unnecessary touching of our hands when we were handing each other cards. lots of eye contact. a smile here. a look there. a lil convo with each other here and there about some music videos that were playing in the background. okay. you might be thinking "this chick is crazy" sounds like a normal. stranger to stranger contact. well there's more. so it's getting late...like 2am and a lot of people leave. so it's me huong chris melissa and justin. we are just chillin. i'm on the couch sitting and talking with justin when the guy sits next to me. i, being the dork that i am, kinda tense up. chat with justin some more then make my way to mel and huong who are sitting at the table. i'm like "i gotta tell you something". huong told me she knew what it was going to be about. i was like kinda nodding over to the direction of the guy and i smiled. somehow we turned him into a vegetable. "so i like broccoli but i'm not sure why" then we get into this whole convo about broccoli and carrots. it was great. well then in the middle of our stimulating vegetable convo he comes over and sits at the table. we immediately have a lil convo. i don't remember mel and huong being too involved. huong said we were flirting but i totally don't believe her. i don't flirt. i don't know how. sad but true. then (about 4am) i get tired, decide to leave. he leaves too. he asked where i lived. i told him not far from woon. he asked if i needed a ride. i said i usually walk but why not. we proceeded to his car. he drives me home. on the way we have a nice lil convo. again. he drops me off but before i exit he was like we should hang out sometime. by this time i was a nervous wreck and i looked over at him and smiled (big, kinda flirty...i think) and said yes we should. but i left the car before we could exchange numbers. okay. i'm a dork. i know this. so.....am i overanalyzing this? i mean what if he was just being nice and i was sensing nothing? just a figment of my imagination....i think i might just be reading too much into his actions. am i? being the dorky girl that i am i call huong as soon as i get to my apt to tell her what happened. she and chris call me up the day after next (today) and ask me if i want broccoli's number....i'm like "uhuhuh"...yea. so yea i now have his number. the ball is in my court and i am too chickenshit to call him. of course i fear being completely wrong. utterly humiliated and not to mention the r-word. but if i don't call him i know i'm going to regret it. i don't know which is worse. what is a girl to do?????? i hate dating...worse yet...i hate pre-dating. but i think it might be time to get back on the saddle....maybe if i use cognitive dissonance i will begin to like it. oh well. so the question isn't should i call him (although a big part of me is still asking me if i should call....should i????)....it's more like when will i work up the nerve? huong and chris say i have to do it within the next couple of days. it's imperative. for some reason i think they are right....we'll see....any suggestions?

ps- coffee with alan from eve was sub-par....NEXT =]

must be samatha.

normally i don't do recaps but i gotta tell ya...i LOVE my DAYGO GIRLS (DG in da house!). so i was brilliantly surprised by my two favorite san diego people- ronell and colette (aka: best friends in the whole world, aka my sistas mi familia). i went over to  ladieph8's</span>  pad and they were there getting ready to go. i will spare you the details of the various skanky outfits i tried on.....but i digress... yes so they were getting ready and it was imperative i get their advice on the potential outfits for the night out. i tried asking my roommates but that was QUITE useless because they are the type of guys that think wearing tights and underwear to a club is totally NOT skanky. yea right. so yes. i was asking their opinions and they gave it to me. i was surprisingly content with their answer. it's weird cause i think they are the only ones i really trust with crucial fashion decisions. so while we are getting ready to go to the saddleranch ronell (aka samatha from Sex in the City aka THE BEST BARTENDER EVER) makes us drinks as usual. We chat it up for a bit then head out. Colette drives (in the crazy way that she does) and blasts Gwen Stefani's new song (whatcha waiting for?) and puts it on repeat. 6xs. hehe. I love it. Ronell navigates colette to HollyWood (we didn't want to go to the one in sunset). so we kinda get to the place. park. walk to the front of the nameless club and are met by two asian girls in very skimpy outfits. they ask us if we would like to enter the raffle for the free ipod and car. i jump at the opportunity because i have been lusting after the new ipod for the longest and i think everyone knows by now that I need a new car. the bouncer checks our id. let's us through to the front and we are greeted by a $20 cover with less than 2 hours of precious partying time. ronell looks through a tiny glass window and said "it's full of asians!" mind you that she is half vietmnamese and half white. we say fuck it. go in and there was a yellow sea. it was quite lovely if you ask me. but anywho. we head straight to the bar and preceeded to order 4 peach teas (i highly recommend this drink) at $11 each (and the glasses were tiny!!!). the drinks really sucked- waaaaay too strong. they were angry but then they were just like fuck it. let's have fun. so we danced danced danced all night long. then colette needed another drink so we all got vodka collins (with three cherries thank you very much). not too bad. we danced some more. there were some hotties at the club but i was having fun with ma girls that its until i was approached by alan. tall abc from pennsylvania. very cute. very stylish. we kinda were making eyes at each other throughout the night. but i thought it was all fun. he came up to me and started a conversation. it was cool. he lives on west la. finally a cute guy that's local (sorry tino you are gorgeous but just too far away). so we chat it up for a spell (all the while colette keeps grabbing my ass. it was grea). he's 27. did i mention he was cute and stylish? not to mention a charmer. mwhahaha. and a good kisser but yea.....meeting up for coffee this week before i head to san diego..but anywyas. i get back with my girls. dance some more. alan comes back and we dance a little. the house lights come up and it's time to go. the girls said they were looking for me. found me. but wanted me to have my fun. i love them sooooooo much. we went back to shantal's pad. ate cold pizza. chatted a lil then crashed. geez. last night was great. i feel like a weanie witing this but i gotta let it out somewhere. sometimes la/ucla folks just don't understand. my firneds are crazy. and i love them for it. waaaaaaahoooooooooooo. okay. this is the abbreviated version. if you want more setails you're gonna have to ask.

finally myself.

i'm ok.

i can be so blind sometimes. my life isn't great but i am blessed to be surrounded by great people. i think sometimes i need time to look around me with my eyes closed....that's the only way i'll be able to really see/feel the warmth that surrounds me. i 'm trying to get my shit together. i need to get my shit together. i'm not exactly panicking on what i will be doing next year. i figure i'll get by....always seem to....even itf it is by the skin of my teeth.

it's kind of cliche but life can be so much worse.....